Positive relationships keep people happier and healthier, helping them live longer... and well!

Cicero had just arrived home, accompanied by his wife, after another exhausting day of work. Life, in his opinion, was calm, and routine was moving along the path of normality. He took care of his diet, exercised and had a good job, which gave him some security for future projects. The couple discussed plans together quite frequently and carried out many of their daily activities side by side.

During the working hours, each person at their job, it was common for them to exchange messages, checking in on how the other was doing. Cicero, however, had noticed a certain distance from his wife recently, both in person and virtually. “She must just be tired,” he thought, and tried to respect her space.

That day, however, the indifference saddened him, and he decided that he would not look for her. He would let her take the initiative.

The morning passed, nothing. The afternoon passed, nothing. When they arrived home, while he was organizing his things, an unexpected hug surprised him. And he was filled with joy, well-being, relief... which was short-lived, as the hug was soon followed by the dreaded sentence: “We need to talk.”

Separation? Why? What happened? What did I do? “I just don't love you,” she summed up, throwing him the heavy and sudden bombshell after seven years of marriage, which he thought were happy years.

Earlier on the same day, Paulo, a great friend of Cicero, had required him — and not invited — to go out at night to talk. “I'll come by, wait for me,” and he didn't give any details. At the agreed time, Paulo parked the car in front of Cicero's house, who tried to hide the sadness that consumed him.

“Now you can cry on my shoulder,” Paulo told him. “Why?” Cicero still tried to smile, considering it a joke. “I already know what happened,”the friend confessed to him.

That afternoon, Cicero's wife had already told Alice, Paulo's girlfriend, that she would ask for a divorce. The latter, anticipating that his friend would need help, anticipated, took the initiative, and offered his time, without thinking, making himself present. Being an introvert, Cicero would probably take a while to open up to someone about the problem.

After the unexpected conversation, the marital union did not find the strength to sustain itself and ended within the next five days, when Cicero’s wife left home permanently. Faced with this fact, Paulo repeated the same procedure in the following weeks, two to three times a week, until he was sure that Cicero had found his feet again and could move on with his life.

Today, Cícero is well, happy, and recognizes his friend's selfless attitude. He will be eternally grateful to Paulo.

***

What is the key to happiness? For eons, humanity has been racking its brains trying to find the path that provides a fulfilling life, with a lasting sense of well-being and joy. However, we think about happiness, here on Earth, in the wrong way. We project it into some achievement (a dream job; a better salary; intense love, etc.) and we imagine that, upon achieving the achievement, the state of happiness will be full and constant.

However, now immersed in the stage of trials and expiations, compatible with our evolutionary level, we had already been warned by Jesus (John, 16:33) that “in the world you will have afflictions,” informing us that our faith would inevitably be put to the test. “But be of good cheer, I have overcome the world,” ensuring that no sadness is eternal.

Furthermore, perhaps we should pay more attention to the Master’s noble recommendation (Matthew, 6:20): “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break through or steal.” What are the treasures of heaven? Everything that we truly make grows in our soul and, therefore, is imperishable.

In this sense, a recently released study, which took 85 years to complete, tried to uncover what really brings happiness to life.¹ Researchers at Harvard in the US gathered records from 724 participants from around the world since 1938 and asked detailed questions about their lives every two years.

Many imagined that the answers revolve around professional success, material goods, a healthy diet, and constant exercise. Of course, all of this can contribute to providing well-being and a good quality of life, and should not be overlooked, but the conclusion reached in the study is that positive relationships keep people happier and healthier, helping them to live longer ... and better!

Social Aptitude

Echoing the research from Harvard University, clinical psychologist Marc Schulz, Ph.D. from the University of California, whose line of research is centered on the dynamics of relationships in the context of adult development, states in an article published on CNBC’s portal Make it² It is important to work on what he calls “social aptitude,” ensuring that relationships are healthy and balanced.

“Have you ever noticed the invigoration you feel when you believe that someone really understands you during a good conversation? Or lack of sleep during a period of romantic conflict? Social aptitude requires us to take stock of our relationships and be honest with ourselves about where we are devoting our time and whether we are nurturing the connections that help us thrive,” says Schulz.

It is never too much to remember that The Spirits' Book dedicates an entire chapter to exploring the Law of Society, one of the moral laws presented by the Spirit of Truth, emphasizing that we are social beings and depend on each other for our own evolution. Allan Kardec concludes in a comment to question 768 of this book: “No man has complete faculties. Through social union, they complement each other, to ensure well-being and progress. That is why, needing each other, men were made to live in society and not in isolation.”

According to Schulz, there are seven pillars with which we can assess the importance and how we are cultivating our relationships:

1. Security and protection. Who would you turn to in a time of crisis?

2. Learning and growth. Who encourages you to try new things, to take risks, to pursue your life goals?

3. Emotional closeness and trust. Who knows everything (or almost everything) about you? Who can you call when you're feeling low and be honest about how you're feeling?

4. Affirmation of identity and shared experience. Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and who helps you strengthen your sense of who you are?

5. Romantic intimacy. Do you feel satisfied with the amount of romantic intimacy in your life?

6. Help (informative and practical). Who do you turn to if you need some knowledge or help solving a practical problem, like fixing your Wi-Fi?

7. Fun and relaxation. Who makes you laugh? Who do you call to see a movie or go on a trip?

The author emphasizes that not all pillars can be found in the same relationship, but this is not necessarily a problem, after all there is always time to deepen or develop new connections. And each one can provide what we need, just as we must be able to provide the same, exercising reciprocity.

Concluding our brief study, and associating Cicero's story with the Harvard study, let us remember question 777 of The Spirits' Book:

“Since man, in the state of nature, has fewer needs, he is exempt from the tribulations that he creates for himself, when in a more advanced state. Given this, what should we think of the opinion of those who consider that state to be the most perfect happiness on Earth? - What do you want! It is the happiness of the brute. There are people who don't understand others. It's being happy in the way of animals. Children are also happier than grown men.”

Progress and maturity, both on Earth and in true, spiritual life, present us with increasingly more challenges and it is by facing them that we hone our virtues. Despite being complicated and sometimes seemingly unsolvable, we must not shy away from overcoming obstacles, but rather try to understand why they came to us, what their purpose is, just as we need to understand the reasons of the other person who eventually hurts us. The key to happiness is to learn to understand.

1. REDAÇÃO. Esta é a chave para a felicidade, segundo estudo de Harvard que levou 85 anos para ser concluído. Disponível em: LINK-1 / Acessed on 24 May 2023.

2. SCHULZ, Marc; WALDINGER, Robert. An 85-year Harvard study found the No. 1 thing that makes us happy in life: It helps us ‘live longer’. Disponível em: LINK-2 / Acessed on 24 May 2023.

Note from Redação:

This article was originally published in RIE – Revista Internacional de Espiritismo, from August 2023.